Malfoy's Murder Mystery
by Oricon
Summary: Lucius is holding a sleep over. Severus and Remus are invited. One unexpected guest turns up and a few others wind up dead. Can Lucius and his gang figure out who is behind it before they're next?
1. Death and Pool Boys

**Chapter 1**: Death and Pool-Boys  
  
Well, here's chapter one, I hope you enjoy it. I've spent a suprisingly long time on this. It usually only takes me a few minutes to write fics, but this one's taken nearly two days. It's funny, because I started this fic out with an actual plot and ending in mind. Usually I just write whatever, whenever. I hope it satisfies you and I hope you give me lot's of reviews! I love reviews!

It was a dark and cliché night. Lucius Malfoy was holding a slumber party at the Malfoy Manor. He'd invited Severus Snape and Remus Lupin. Severus Snape had already arrived and now he and Lucius waited patiently for Remus to pick up a very clever portkey that had been strategically placed in Lupin's home.  
  
"So, Lucius, where's the lady of the house? And where's that little twit...I mean that darling son, Draco?" asked Snape as he pushed his dark hair away from his frowning face.  
  
"Oh, Narcissa's asleep, and I think that little twit... I mean my darling son, Draco is in the shower," Lucius replied casually.  
  
"Shall I go flush the toilet?" Snape sniggered as he got up to go to give Draco a very cold suprise.  
  
However, Severus never made it to the door because just then Lupin materialzed in front of him looking very flustered and shoving something into his pants.  
  
"Now, how on earth did someone turn _that_ into a portkey?" he groaned to himself as he scratched his head. Acknowledging his giggling peers he groaned again. "Oh, no. What's going on here?"  
  
"Slumber party," said Lucius sniggering. "And your fly is open."   
  
"Thanks for the advanced notice," Remus said while he zipped his pants. "Why am I invited anyway? We're supposed to be enemies."  
  
"Oh, well, we needed one other person to play 'Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board' and we didn't want to invite Peter no matter how enthusiastic he is," said Lucius trying to hide his excitement. Lucius' legs were rapidly jiggling as if he's just drank five cups of coffee.  
  
Remus looked rather disgusted at the surroundings, at Snape who was giving him the evil eye, and at Lucius who was looking fit to burst with excitement. He began to back slowly toward the door, thinking that if he didn't make any sudden moves, he'd make it out alive, and maybe with some dignity.  
  
"Well, it all sounds like good fun, but I think I'll be going now..." said Remus and he began to walk out of the room while tucking in he shirt.  
  
"Not so fast, Remus," said Lucius who now started to giggly ferociously as if he knew something Remus didn't. "I've put wards on the grounds, you cannot disapparate, and you cannot simply walk out because the doors are locked and are voice activated."  
  
Apparently he did know something Remus didn't.  
  
Severus grinned maliciously at Lupin, which disturbed Remus as Severus rarely grinned.   
  
"Damn. How long am I stuck here?"  
  
"Just for the night," Lucius replied as if he were a criminal mastermind. Lupin sighed in relief. "That is, of course, unless Severus and I wish to prolong the slumber party."  
  
Lupin was paying little attention, however because he'd just caught sight of a huge, disgusting rat headed toward Lucius who was sitting on the couch. Lucius must have seen it too because he began to scream like a little girl and jumped onto a very expensive coffee table.  
  
"Kill it! KILL IT!" Lucius screamed in fright. He then jumped into Severus' lap, his blonde hair covering Snape's face.  
  
"Get off me!" Severus snarled. He dumped a trembling Lucius onto the floor and began to stomp at the rat, narrowly missing it everytime.  
  
"Wait!" yelled Lupin. Remus had seen that rat before. He recognized the bald spot and the missing toe. "Peter? Show yourself!"  
  
Peter Pettigrew materialized on the floor in front of them looking rather disgusting and smelling rather disgusting as well. He stood there for a moment wondering how come he still had clothes on when last time he transformed into a rat, his clothes had fallen off of him...  
  
"Aww, man, Lucius. You didn't tell me you invited him!" groaned Severus as he pinched his nose.  
  
Lucius pulled his robes up to cover his nose, and replied in a nasal tone.  
  
"I didn't invite him. I put wards on the whole place. How on earth did you get in?" Lucius asked Peter, still shaken by the whole creepy rat in the living room thing.  
  
"I've been hiding in your toilet for a week." Peter said jovially. "The stench isn't so bad once you get used to it. You should really think about investing in some of those toilet air-freshners, I hear they do wonders. Oh, and I heard you telling Severus about the neat-o slumber party you were planning that was going to be awesome and I wanted to make sure I didn't miss it."  
  
"Ack! You stink," said Lucius.  
  
"Hey, it's your waste," said Peter. Wormtail then rushed over to Snape and began to pull on his robes like a child. "Hey, Severus! Want to see my Chocolate Frog card collection?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Hey, Remus! Want to see my Choco-"  
  
"No."  
  
There was a few minutes where no one said or did anything. The party had barely started and Peter had already dampened their fun. Something had to be done.   
  
Looking around the room, Severus could tell he needed to formulate a plan, and fast. Lucius had a blank stare on his face which told him that Lucius wasn't going to think of any bright ideas. Remus, however seemed deep in thought, rubbing his chin with his thumb and forefinger. He looked back a Lucius. Lucius was now watching Remus rub his chin with his thumb and forefinger...  
  
"Hey, I've got an idea!" said Severus at last, breaking the awkward silence and bringing Lucius to attention. "Let's play hide and seek!"  
  
"Yeah," said Lupin who instantly caught on to what Snape was doing, getting rid of Peter. "First we need someone to hide. This person must be highly intelligent and brave and extremely good-looking and have good hygiene..."  
  
"Hey, you guys I fit the criteria..."   
  
"Shut up, Lucius," said Severus and Remus together.  
  
"Hey, Remus! I'm all those things," said Peter as he scratched his nether-regions and wiped some sticky brown stuff from his balding head and tasted it.  
  
"You guys," said Lucius as if he was having a revelation. "I think Peter should go hide. He seems like the best candidate to me."  
  
Everyone else nodded fervently in agreement.  
  
"So, Peter, you go hide, we'll count to 1,234,567,672,348 and then we'll come looking for you. Try to hide somewhere good, give us a good challenge!" Severus said as he urged Peter out of the room and closed the door behind him.  
  
"Well, at least he's gone," said Remus. "But that still doesn't mean I'll enjoy being held captive here." Remus sighed. "Being a sexy beast really gives me an appetite. You got any food in this place, Lucius?"  
  
"Do I have food?" Lucius uttered under his breath. "DINKY!!!"  
  
After losing Dobby, Lucius had acquired a new house-elf named Dinky. Dinky looked a lot like the Malfoy family's old house-elf, Dobby, except he had a big, black handlebar moustache and spoke with a bad French accent. Dinky came bouncing into the room wearing a stained tea-towel and singing 'Old MacMalfoy Had An Elf'.  
  
"Yes, master?" said Dinky as he made a trembling bow. "Some caviar, perhaps?"  
  
"Ick, no. Go get us some cucumbers and carrots. They're good for my complexion." Dinky bowed out of the room "Oh, by the way, does anyone want a facial?"  
  
Severus and Remus both groaned and rolled their eyes.  
  
"You're such a girl, Lucius," said Remus.  
  
Lucius slathered some curious green paste onto his pasty white face  
  
Just then they heard a blood-curlding scream coming from upstairs. Everyone head jerked upwards and they stared at the ceiling for a few seconds waiting for another sound.  
  
"We should go see what that was," said Remus who looked thoroughly concerned.  
  
"Nah, it's probably just Narcissa...having a dream...with the pool boy..." Lucius said who was still in denial about his wife's...um...habits.  
  
"Actually that scream didn't sound like Narcissa in the throes of passion..." Snape trailed off, realizing what he'd said.  
  
Lucius gave Severus a dirty look.  
  
"What I mean to say is... that scream sounded kind of deadly..."   
  
"Let's stop debating about the stupid scream and go see what it was all about," snapped an impatient Remus.  
  
So the three of them walked through the dark, scary hallways of the Malfoy Mansion, up to the master bedroom. There they found, to their horror Narcissa Malfoy sprawled out on their four-poster bed and the pool boy sprawled across her with a pool-pump nozzle in his hand. However, what made the scene more horrific was that neither of them seemed to be breathing. On Narcissa's chest there was a purple sock, a very badly knitted purple sock.  
  
"Oh my!" exclaimed Remus. "Are they... dead?"  
  
"I think so," said Lucius looking sadly down at his wife and Carlos, the pool-boy. "Who would do something like this? Poor Carlos, he was so handy with that nozzle."  
  
Lucius sighed and sat down on the bed and pulled the nozzle toward him. However, he heard another scream coming from down the hall. His head jerked up and he looked at Remus.  
  
"Where's Severus?" Remus asked looking concerned.  
  
"I haven't seen him since we were downstairs," said Lucius, still nuzzling the Carlos' nozzle.  
  
They both looked extremely alarmed and raced down the hall toward the scream. Another shriek emanated from the bathroom door and Severus Snape stepped out of it laughing.  
  
"Severus, what have you done?!" Lupin demanded looking completely horror-struck.  
  
"Who the hell flushed the bloody toilet?" screamed Draco from within the bathroom.  
  
Lupin looked toward the bathroom door and saw Draco's head pop out in relief.  
  
"I couldn't help myself," said Severus as he stared at Lucius' and Remus' stony faces. Well, Remus' stony face. Lucius was sobbing over the pool-pump he'd confiscated from the dead pool-boy. "What!?"  
  
"Severus, Narcissa and the pool-boy have been murdered."   
  
DUN DUN DUN!!! Well, what did you think? Please review! 


	2. Bubbles and Suspects

Chapter 2  
  
Bubbles and Suspects  
  
  
  
"What?" Draco asked in suprise. "Please tell me you're joking!"  
  
"We're sorry Draco, but your mother's been murdered along with your pool boy," said Remus and he put an arm around Draco.  
  
"Say it ain't so, Lupin!" Draco wailed. "My Carlos! How I loved thee!"  
  
Remus frowned. It seemed that everyone cared about this Carlos fellow more than their wife or mother.  
  
"What are you talking about, Draco? Carlos was mine!" snarled Lucius as he put Draco in a sleeperhold. Veins started popping out on Draco's forehead.  
  
"Obviously he was neither, if he was iwith/i Narcissa," growled Snape, heading off a pretty nasty argument. He and Remus pried Lucius off Draco who was now scratching and pulling Lucius' hair. "Anyway, if what you say is true, we should probably go investigate the crime scene, and you, Draco, should stay with us. If there's a murderer in the house, we could all be in danger."   
  
So the four of them headed back up the hall to the master bedroom. When they entered the room Lucius ran straight to his walk-in closet. Severus, Remus and Draco walked over to the bed. Draco hopped upon the bed and began to jump up and down next to the dead bodies. "Ha," he said addressing his dead mother, "Can't tell me to stop jumping now, can you?"  
  
Draco had always loved jumping on his parent's bed, especially with Carlos. Lately, he had been sneaking in the room to do so. However, his mother caught him and Carlos and forbade him to enter the room ever. Naturally, Draco was quite upset about this.   
  
"Come, now Draco. Get down from there," said Remus feeling quite disturbed for the lack of respect for the deceased. He held out a hand to help Draco off.  
  
"I hope you're next," Draco snapped as he got off the bed and kicked Remus in his shins.  
  
However, they heard a chilling scream emanating from the walk-in closet. Draco went back to jump on the bed. Running into the closet Severus and Remus found Lucius in front of the mirror wiping his face mask off vigorously with what looked like some of Narcissa's lingerie.   
  
"What's the matter?" Remus asked. He looked extremely concerned and he'd had enough screaming for the night.  
  
"I forgot to take my mask off," said Lucius as he spit on the Victoria Secret panties. "If you leave in on for too long it dries out your skin."  
  
"How did he ever become a Death Eater," Remus rolled his eyes muttering to himself and went back into the bedroom leaving Severus and Lucius alone to shoot the breeze.  
  
Severus looked at the pink lacey underwear in Lucius hand. "Those aren't Narcissa's," he muttered.  
  
"Oh, they're mine," said Lucius in a matter-of-fact way. "I always use Victoria Secret stuff on my face. I have sensitive skin."  
  
"Ah," said Severus as caught site of some pink lacey material peeking over the waist of Lucius' trousers. Sensitive skin, indeed. He looked around at the shelves bedecked with shoes, thousands of them. And handbags. He realized that none of this stuff belonged to Narcissa at once and assumed it must belong to Lucius because everything had the initials 'LM' engraved in fancy writing.   
  
Feeling that there was nothing else of importance to do inside Lucius' closet and because he was thoroughly disgusted by his surroundings, Severus, went back into the bedroom. Remus was standing over the king size bed examining the bodies. He picked up the purple sock on Narcissa's chest and poked it with his wand, then called Severus over to look at it. Severus sniffed it with his exceptionally large nose, tasted it with his exceptionally large tongue, prodded it with his exceptionally large wand, and finding nothing special about it threw it in Lupin's face with his exceptionally large arm. He then took a seat in a chair wrapped in chains of which he and Narcissa had enjoyed on countless occasions, finding it quite comfortable, while Remus mused over the events that had occured earlier.  
  
Just then Lucius swept out of the closet wearing a plaid cape, a Sherlock Holmes hat, and pipe in his mouth. He took a long drag on his pipe and started heaving. Every time he heaved bubbles were produced from the pipe he still held in his mouth.  
  
Severus and Remus stared at him and both began to snigger, not trying very hard to hide it.  
  
Following Lucius' heaving episode, he puffed out his chest and began pacing around the room trying to look thoughtful and intelligent. He continued to blow bubbles with his pipe and eyed Severus, Lucius, and Draco suspiciously.  
  
He had paced by for the thirtieth time when Severus said,"iWhat the hell are you doing?/i"  
  
"My name is Inspector Lucius Malfoy and I will be investigating the murders of Narcissa Malfoy and Carlos.... Well, whatever his last name is," he said importantly in a very bad cockney accent.   
  
"Since when are you an Inspector, Lucius?" asked a perplexed Remus who still couldn't get over the fact that Lucius was wearing plaid.  
  
"Please," said Lucius raising his hand to stop Remus,"I would prefer it if you address me as Inspector Malfoy at all times." Remus rolled his eyes and sighed. "To answer your question, I am a newly appointed Inspector. Appointed by one of my best friends, the Minister of Magic himself. I invited him here tonight, but sadly, he couldn't make it. Anyway, I digress. As of about five minutes ago, I am now officially Head of the Department of Criminal Affairs." He pulled from his robes a scroll and, with a flourish, held it out for the other three to see. Sure enough, at the very bottom was Cornelius Fudge's signature."  
  
"How did he send that to you? I saw you put wards on the house myself," said Severus looking amazed. "No owl could get past it, not even the tiniest amoeba could."  
  
"Oh, I have boxes full of Decrees appointing me to something. I only use them when I need them and then I relinquish my post to some of my evil friends to ensure I still have a high-standing in the Ministry."  
  
"This is coming from a man who needs someone else to put his socks on... Ladies and gentlemen, the leaders of today!" groaned Severus bitterly.  
  
"I will not tolerate sarcasm, Severus Snape," said Lucius. "You are all suspects so I'd be careful who I insult, if I were you." Lucius blew more bubbles on his pipe.  
  
"The bubbles seem to make him more intelligent," Remus muttered to Snape.  
  
"Draco, go put on your uniform, you're going to be my assistant," ordered Lucius.  
  
"Yay!" Draco squealed. "We're going to be like real detectives!" He scampered towards the exit. At the door he met Dinky, their new house-elf who was carrying a platter of vegetables. He kicked Dinky who fell onto the floor spilling the vegetables and then skipped off down the hall. The elf picked himself up cursing under his breath, his gaze following Draco down the hall and into a door at the end. Dinky picked up the vegetables and put them back on the platter, Lucius hadn't noticed them fall to the floor, and took them over to his master who was looking at a purple sock with a magnifying glass.  
  
"Dinky has brought your veggies, Master," said the elf as he bowed.  
  
"How did you know we were up here, Dinky?" asked Lucius still looking through the magnifying glass, his breath fogging up the lense.  
  
"Dinky assumed this is where you'd gone after Dinky heard that scream, Sir," said the elf simply.  
  
"Ah,"said Lucius not paying very much attention. "Set them down on the chest of drawers and come over here. It's time for your hourly spanking."  
  
Dinky put the platter on the chest of drawers like he was told and walked over to Lucius hanging his head so low his nose was touching the floor. He bent over exposing his backside and Lucius patted it gingerly. The elf walked away looking and feeling humiliated.   
  
"You like spanking elves, Lucius... I mean, Inspector Malfoy?" asked Snape who was smirking.  
  
"He deserved it," said Lucius acting like he had given a well deserved punishment. "He's been a very naughty boy."  
  
"I feel so sorry for that poor elf," said Remus.  
  
"Damn it! This magnifying glass is defective, I can't see a thing," said Lucius peering through his fogged up spy-glass.  
  
"Don't breath on it, then," said an annoyed Severus.  
  
"Ohhhh!" said Lucius. "Wow, look at the intricate design. This is high quality."  
  
He was looking at the purple sock which was very sloppily made. There were bits of thread hanging out and there were a couple of lumps in it.  
  
"What kind of material do you think this is? Silk? Satin?" ask Lucius thoroughly entranced by the sock.  
  
"Yarn, Lucius. It's made of yarn," said Severus who, despite his lack of style obviously had a knack for identifying materials.  
  
"Aha! So you know what it's made of! That makes you even more of a suspect!" Lucius pointed a quivering finger at Severus.  
  
"I can't be the killer," said Severus simply. Lucius wilted for a moment.  
  
"And why is that?" interrogated Inspector Lucius.  
  
"Because I was with you when she was murdered, you dolt!"  
  
"Oh, I see. You were just an accomplice. I did the crime! ....wait, that's not right..." Lucius was completely confused. He went to sit in the corner of the room and started rocking back and forth.  
  
"Don't overexert yourself, Lucius," said Remus who was growing weary of Lucius' stupidity. "You know, Draco was kind of bitter towards his mother for not letting him jump on the bed with Carlos. And he's probably mad that his mother was... um... jumping on the bed with his Carlos after she'd told him not to. You don't think he did it, do you?" he asked Severus.  
  
"Hmmm," Severus thought it over. "That is an interesting theory, and it's highly plausible. However, would Draco murder his beloved Carlos? I have my doubts about that one."  
  
"Well, maybe Carlos got in the way, and the only way to get revenge on his mother was to go through him. Plus, I don't think he'd want witnesses," explained Remus who was arguing his point effectively.  
  
"I don't know..." said Severus who still wasn't convinced. "Draco seems too stupid to be a murderer..."  
  
"By the way," Remus pondered. "Draco's been gone for quite a while. I wonder what's keeping him..."  
  
"Oh, he's probably trying to figure out how to tie his cape. He never had to learn to tie his shoes and, as a result, is rubbish at tying anything. The last time he tried tying his cape all he ended up doing was wrapping it multiple times around his neck and twisting it at the ends. He damn near strangled himself," explained Lucius who was still crouching in the corner.  
  
"Maybe we should go check on him," said Remus looking concerned.  
  
"What is it with you and my son, Remus?" demanded Lucius defensively. "I am the boy's father, not you!"  
  
"Well, perhaps you should start acting like it. Haven't you noticed he's a bit more feminine than most women. And he was always hanging out with that Carlos fellow. Don't you have any idea what he actually does with his time?"  
  
"Of course I do! What kind of a father would I be if I didn't?" Lucius was now on his feet. "He and Carlos knit! Ok? They knit and crochet! I've seen them at it!"  
  
Remus snorted. "Fine, let's not go check on him. For all you know he could be strangling right now and have no one to help because you're standing here arguing with me."  
  
Lucius looked as if he was going to say something, changed his mind, opened his mouth to retaliate again, but thought better of it.  
  
"Maybe we should go and check on him," Lucius muttered quietly and blew some more bubbles.  
  
So the three of them marched down the hallway, led by Inspector Lucius whose cape was swishing stylishly around his back. They reached Draco's bedroom door which was closed. Lucius knocked.  
  
"Draco, are you in there?" he asked stiffly. There was no answer.   
  
"We better go in," said Lupin grasping the doorknob. "We need to see if he's alright."  
  
"I've never been in my son's room before. I can't just go barging in," said a conflicted Lucius.  
  
"You've never been in you own son's room?" Remus asked shocked.  
  
"He likes his privacy," said Lucius.  
  
"Well, you may not care enough about him to open this door. Heck, you let him come all the way down here by himself! I'm going in there," said Remus and he pushed open the door.  
  
The three men gazed into the room and gasped in suprise.  
  
  
  
Ooh, the cliffhanger. I bet I got you on the edge of your seats, huh? Ok, well maybe not. Oh, almost forgot for the person that reviewed and asked whether Snape was dead at the end, he wasn't. Remus was addressing Snape: "Severus, Narcissa and the pool boy are dead," could be: "Narcissa and the pool boy are dead, Severus." Hope I've cleared that up for you. Thanks for reading! Review and I'll give you cookies! Chocolate chip! 


	3. The Culprit Revealed

Well, I finally finished this fic. I had no idea where it was going when I started this chapter, but I have to say I think it's pretty darn good. Enjoy.

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The Culprit Revealed

It was a complete travesty, what the three men were gazing at. The walls of Draco's bedroom were covered with photos and newspaper clippings of Harry Potter. It was like some crazy Harry Potter Shrine or something. Remus walked slowly into the room, taking it all in. He observed that most of the pictures of Harry were naked and assumed that Draco must have taken them himself without the boy's knowledge.

"Your son is a stalker," he stated to Lucius walking over to the closet and peering in.

Draco was lying on the floor with his cape wrapped around his neck, his eyes transfixed in a vacant stare.

"Your son is dead," Remus said walking back into the bedroom sadly.

Lucius who was staring at the various photographs on the bedroom walls, burst into sobs a few soapy bubbles escaping his pipe. Remus walked over to him and put his arm around him lovingly.

"I know, Lucius," he said patting him on the back. "It hurts..."

"My son is... GAYYYYY!" he sobbed wiping his nose on his long yellow hair.

"Well spotted," said Severus his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Ignoring Severus, Remus grabbed Lucius by the shoulders and shaking him said, "Didn't you hear me, Lucius! Your son is DEAD!"

"W-what?" Lucius whimpered. Remus pointed to the closet and Lucius walked over to peek inside.

"Oh, so he is," he stated seemingly unbothered. "Well, I guess we can destroy all this evidence and no one will ever know he was gay."

Remus rolled his eyes and Severus stepped into the closet to gather evidence. Lucius began ripping all of the photos off the walls and Remus observed him pocketing one of the more naked ones.

"What did you just put in your pocket, Lucius?" Remus asked taunting Lucius.

"Your mom!" Lucius responded quick as lightning.

"Very creative, Lucius."

"Your mom's creative."

"Shut up!"

Snape emerged from the closet swiftly brandishing a freshly knit purple sock. "This is getting serious," he observed.

"Sirius!" Remus wailed. "Oh, God! Whyyyyyy?"

"Shut up!" he hissed at Remus and Remus promptly shut up. "Look, we need to figure out who's doing this, or we could all end up dead."

"Dead?" Lucius asked running his fingers through his silky hair. "But, I'm too young and beautiful to die!"

"Well, if you don't stop sniveling and get serious, you're going to die!"

"Is that a threat, Severus?" Lucius advanced on Severus, looking at him through his magnifying glass, his eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I'd hate to have to report you to the Minister for threatening his new Chief Inspector."

"Since when are you _Chief_ Inspector, Lucius?" Severus snorted.

"Since now!" he exclaimed reaching in his robes and brandishing a parchment. "What does this look like to you!" he asked shaking the parchment in front of Snape.

Severus laughed, "Looks like a naked picture of Harry Potter to me." Severus and Remus started chuckling.

"What?" Lucius said looking at the paper he was holding in his hands. It was indeed a naked photo of Harry Potter. "Damn... uh- where did this come from!" he stated indignantly. Severus and Remus burst out laughing.

"Stop laughing at my expense!" Lucius yelled and he clapped his hands over his ears and closed his eyes. He began rocking back and forth mumbling incoherently.

Severus and Remus soon lost interest and left Lucius to pursue finding a suspect. They walked out of the room, leaving a very frightened Lucius behind.

"Don't leave me!" he squealed and scampered out of the room after them.

They all decided to go back to the living room to regroup and hopefully figure out what all of this was about.

Severus began, "Ok, Lucius. Who, to your knowledge, is in the house?"

"Um... Narcissa, Draco, and the Pool Boy..." he said thinking so hard that his tongue was sticking out.

"Yes, but they're all dead," Severus growled. "Who else?"

Remus chimed in, "What about Peter? He's still here somewhere."

"Yes, but Peter is an imbecile. He'd never be able to even think about committing brutal murders, much less commit them," Severus concluded.

"Dinky!" Lucius yelled.

"Yes, Dinky..." Severus pondered the breakthrough. "He certainly is capable. And he knows how to knit..."

"No, I'm hungry. I was just calling for Dinky," Lucius said licking his lips.

Severus rolled his eyes.

"It's probably nothing, Severus. You know house elves aren't allowed to attack their masters," Remus said.

Suddenly Dinky apparated into the room his handlebar mustache looking slightly askew. "What can Dinky get Master?" he said, bowing very low.

"Some pancakes would be nice. All this murder is making me famished. Severus, Lucius? Want anything?" Lucius asked.

Severus and Lucius groaned simultaneously. "He doesn't waste any time getting over his grief, does he?" Remus asked. Severus snorted and shook his head.

"I eat to kill the pain," Lucius stated dramatically.

"I guess that will be all, Dinky." Dinky disappeared with a snap and was back with a snap two seconds later with Lucius' fresh, warm pancakes. Dinky stood and watched as Lucius poured syrup onto his pancakes, let the fresh scent fill his nostrils and began slicing into them.

Dinky was so interested in Lucius' pancakes that it was beginning to attract Severus' attention, who then tapped Remus on the shoulder and told him to watch. Dinky began rubbing his hands, devilishly and cackling, his left eye twitching as Lucius brought the first bite of pancake to his mouth.

"Uh, Lucius..." Severus began.

"What is it, Severus? Can't you see I'm trying to enjoy my pancake?" he asked annoyed that Severus would disturb his pancake eating ecstasy.

"I think your pancakes are poisoned," he stated, his eyes never leaving Dinky, who was still cackling manically.

Lucius put his fork down and Dinky's laugh stopped. "What makes you think that?"

"I just have a hunch, Lucius. Why don't you get Dinky to test it for you?" Severus suggested and he noticed the house elf's expression turn very worried.

"What an excellent idea, Severus!" Lucius exclaimed. "Dinky! Come test my food for poison."

Dinky slowly dragged himself over to his master. He picked up the fork and raised it to his mouth, his lips trembling. But, then his expression changed and became very angry. He threw the fork in Lucius' face and backed away.

"Dinky!" Lucius yelled in fury. "What is the meaning in this!"

"Me is not Dinky, _sir_," the elf explained, with complete contempt in his voice.

"Draco?" Lucius asked with complete bewilderment.

"What?" the elf asked completely confused. "How could I be Draco? I just killed him. Wtf are you talking about?"

"Draco's dead!" Lucius exclaimed. Remus and Severus rolled their eyes yet again.

"Who are you, elf?" Severus inquired, pointing his wand at the elf's chest.

The elf ripped his handlebar mustache off, revealing his true identity. "Me is Dobby, sir," the elf replied his eyes never leaving his former master.

"Who?" Lucius asked still completely confused.

"Oh, you know me very well, _sir_," Dobby replied. "I is your former house elf. You made my life a living hell. And now I'm here to end yours!" the elf yelled, advancing on his former owner.

"No!" Remus yelled. "You can't just go around killing people, Dobby. It isn't right."

"What the hell is a Dobby?" Lucius asked, looking utterly blank.

Dobby looked pleadingly at Severus and Remus.

"Go ahead, Dobby," said Severus. Remus agreed. "Put him out of his misery."

Dobby picked up the fork with the pancake on it and forced it into Lucius' mouth. Lucius chewed and swallowed.

"Yum, this is good, Dinky. Kinda tangy-" he choked and sputtered, then fell over sideways a drop of drool spilling from his mouth.

"Well, Dobby, you got what you wanted," Remus said patting the elf on his shoulder.

"Thank you sirs for letting me do it," he replied. "Me will never forget it." He left with a pop.

"It's a shame about the pool boy, though," said Remus. "He didn't do anything."

They went to the door to leave and the realization struck them that Lucius' wards were still up.

"How are we going to get out of here, Severus?"

"No idea. I wonder where Peter is..."

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Way down in the depths of the Malfoy family plumbing a rat hid, nibbling on something that tasted nutty.

"I wonder what's taking the guys so long," he thought to himself. "I really wanted them to see my chocolate card collection... Oh, well. At least I'm winning at hide and seek!"

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And so with the murders solved, the criminal allowed to get away with his deeds, Remus and Severus spent the rest of their days trying to find a way past the stunningly clever wards that were placed around Malfoy Manor by the home's now dead Master. Dobby went on to do god knows what(Probably back to molesting Harry Potter).

The End.

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Well, I finally finished it. Sorry, I had to kill Lucius off, but I wrote myself into a corner and had no idea how to conclude it. Anyways, still pretty funny, huh? Review please!


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